Hello all, C.H. Dalton here for one of my much-loved, semi-annual missives.  I just wanted to write to alert the world that A Practical Guide to Racism is now available in paperback, like a common work of dime-store pornography.

The book is now, in appearance, no more scholarly or respectable than any novel or, worse yet bible.  It is, if you are into that sort of thing, available for purchase here.

This the paperback cover:

It makes a work of scholarship and learning look like a book of cartoons or something.

I shouldn’t be so harsh, though.  There are some respectable books that appear in paperback editions.  And I suppose it’s now easier to read while driving, so enjoy that.

Plebes.

These days, you’ll hear a lot of people saying that “racism is over,” and that “the 2008 election changed everything,” and that “Barack Obama will lead us to a new promised land of milk, honey, and an economy that isn’t based on spectral financial dealings.” Well I’m here to tell you that those people are wrong.  Especially about the honey thing; not even President-elect Obama can bring back our disappearing bees.

And in this new post-post-racial world, what better handbook to see you through the ensuing schism than A Practical Guide to Racism?

A Practical Guide to Racism is available online and in all your finer stores.  Except Harrod’s.  I made a few impolitic comments about “race-mixing with Arabs” and “Princess Di being a whore” at a recent conference.  It’s a long story. 

No, actually, that was pretty much the whole story.

It makes the perfect gift for your friends and loved ones, and those to whom you want to send a message.  (Now, more than ever, the Jews need this book.) And I’m in a lot of debt, so… if you could buy a few copies and even just give them out to homeless people or something.  God I need this.  I thought, hey, in these uncertain times, what better to fall back on than the manufacturing sector, right?  Right?!?  Oh God, they’re gonna break my thumbs.

Well, that’s all I wanted to say this week.  Now get back to decorating the old Jesus Christ Tree, and don’t forget: this Christ-Mass, give the gift of racism.

This week, for no particular reason, I’ve decided to provide you with a brief biographical sketch of Nikola Tesla (10 July 1856 - 7 January 1943).  Please to enjoy this harrowing tale of the life and work of a flashy ethnic Serb.  Proving, once again, that Serbs are a flashy people.

Nikola Tesla was a brilliant inventor, with almost 300 patents to his name, and is credited with discovering the alternating current, perhaps the most important technological advance of the 20th century. 

But, despite his contributions to science and technology, Tesla often goes uncredited and under-appreciated next to celebrated dickwads like Marconi and Edison.

Happily, he has finally received the credit he is due, joining the elite fraternity of historical figures who have been portrayed on the big screen by David Bowie.  In 2006’s The Prestige, the role of Tesla was played by Ziggy Stardust himself, an honor afforded to only a few great, but under-appreciated men before him.  Andy Warhol, in Basquiat.  Pontius Pilate, in The Last Temptation of Christ.  Jareth, the Goblin King, in Labyrinth.  And, of course, Bowie himself, in Zoolander.

Born in 1856, in an unpronounceable region of what is now Croatia, Tesla came to the United States early in life, in order to fulfill his dream of getting royally screwed over by Thomas Alva Edison.  It didn’t take long, as Edison quickly hired the young prodigy, and then just as quickly bilked him out of $50,000 he had promised him.  Edison claimed that the promise was, quote, “American humor.” Referring, of course, to that uniquely American brand of humor on display every time Mark Twain lit a hobo on fire, or Will Rogers ran over someone in his car and then drove off without stopping.

Edison was always more of a marketer and a self-promoter than an inventor.  In being dicked over by him, Tesla was in good company, along with the guy who actually invented the phonograph, the guy who actually invented the light bulb, the guy who actually invented the movie projector.  Not to mention the original “Wizard of Menlo Park,” a kindly old sorcerer whom Edison had burned at the stake.

After leaving Edison’s employ, Tesla became famous in his own right, for his important, and often startling, inventions, but also for his flashy demonstrations.  Part mystic, part carnie barker, the moustachioed marvel wowed audiences around the country with his bright, dangerous-looking displays, his natural showmanship, and his half-pig, half-woman sideshow attraction: “Pig-bekah, The Pig Girl.”

And then, it was time for Edison to try to fuck him over again.  Despite Alternating Current’s (AC) obvious advantages—most notably, its improved ability to not electrocute people will-nilly—Edison used his vast influence to push his own patent, the Direct Current, for municipal use.  AC eventually won out over DC, but the long fight is still known as “The Current War,” and the struggle is memorialized in the name of Australia’s most popular non-Xanadu-starring-in musical act.

Today, the so-called-by-nobody “Croatian Sensation” is most famous for his Tesla Coils, which are displayed in museums and Sharper Images everywhere.  (Or is it “Sharpers Image”?  Stupid William Safire.) But during his lifetime, one of Tesla’s greatest passions was the “Tesla Effect,” the transmission of electricity without wires.  Unfortunately, this technology never became practical to use, and so ended the inventor’s short-lived bid to become a supervillain.

After spending most of his life in the service of science, Nikola Tesla died, like most truly great men, penniless and alone.  Tesla will be remembered, by those who know, as the father of modern electricity, the man who gave us the radio, and the world’s first guy-who’s-way-too-into-Tesla-Coils.

Hello all, and welcome again to the website for my latest learned monograph.

This is a public service announcement to inform you that my book makes an excellent present for your loved ones this Autumn.  Who among us hasn’t felt the crisp Fall air on our cheeks and thought, “I forget, can Swedes be trusted?” Wonder no longer, my brave Little Indians. 

And who hasn’t looked at the ruddy, rainbow swirl of dead and dying leaves and wondered how many colors of man there really are?  Not me, because I know already, but I imagine many of you out there.  Put all fears to rest, end all arguments, and bring joy and calm at last to the hearts of those close to you.

Let A Practical Guide to Racism be your constant companion this—and all future—Autumns.  Also makes a great Thanksgiving gift, or afikomen present.

My deepest apologies for the lackadaisical manner in which these results have been tabulated, but our team of judges has been heretofore unable to reach a consensus.

My thanks to all of the entrants, but especially our winning ethnographer, Ben Oliver, who informed us that “Filipinos can steal your soul just by looking at you.” Congratulations to Mr. Oliver for an insightful and creative addition to the canon. The runners-up, after the jump.

Thanks also to our eminent team of guest judges:

Camille Paglia

and this enchanted Hindoo skull.

It was difficult reaching a consensus, but I cast the tie-breaking vote for Mr. Oliver, who narrowly beat out the eminent racial scholar Jasper Chen with

“Asians compulsively steal napkins from restaurants.”

Honorable mentions go to

”Greeks never cry in front of strangers.” — Maureen Miller

”Poles diaper their babies in butcher paper.” — Jen Dziura

and

”Black people can’t get enough poutine.” — Bradley MacDonald

Congratulations to all of you, but especially to Mr. Oliver, who will be receiving a signed copy of A Practical Guide to Racism, as well as Heretic Pride, the new CD from The Mountain Goats.