Hello. This is C.H. Dalton, and I’m here with another one of my internationally beloved missives. Remember, reading these missives is good for course credit at both the Institute for Advanced Studies and The Medical College of the Republic of Spanish Honduras. (Every third year I teach a foreign study program there. I’m worshipped as a God in some villages in Central America for my unlicensed work repairing cleft palates.)

This week, I’d like to talk a little bit about geography.

Much of the recent strife in the Middle East can be traced back to the colonial period—when the British drew the borders in that region, they disregarded the racial and cultural makeup of the inhabitants, and as a result we have countries like Iraq, where Sunni Arabs and Shia Arabs and Kurdish Arabs must all coexist within a single country. This is a recipe for disaster, as has become all too clear over the past five years.

However, if each racial group had its own country, and were allowed to govern itself without disputes over culture or religion, we might not have all this violence and civil war. And it’s not just in the Middle East. It’s the Hindoos and Arabs in the Indian subcontinent, the Kurds and the Turks, the Serbs and the Croats, the whites and the Aborigines, the Jews and anyone… the list goes on. Even in this country we must deal with the constant commingling of blacks, whites, Hispanics, Asians, Jews, and Catholics.

And just look at Europe. (Click the map for a larger version.)

To find the answer to a peaceful future, we may need to look to the past; specifically, the presidency of James Monroe, the second-best President names James. (Some people might put Garfield here, but I feel that his legacy has been artificially inflated by his assassination—he is actually tied with Polk for third, with Carter and Buchanan bringing up the rear.) Monroe oversaw the 1821 founding of the nation of Liberia.

Liberia was founded as a colony by the The Society for the Colonization of Free People of Color of America, better known as the American Colonization Society. They saw the growing number of African-Americans in America and realized that something that needed to be done, so the group filled boat after boat full of them and sent them to Liberia, to live amongst their own kind.

But I think the American Colonization Society didn’t go far enough, and not just because they never finished the job. No, I think we need to redraw the world map to give each race its own homeland, the way we did for the Jews. And just look how well that’s worked out.

For starters, the American Northeast, Canada, and Western Europe should belong to the whites. Obviously. American African-Americans can have the South, while foreign African-Americans can have Africa. White South Africans can patriate in Caucasiastan at the new immigration facility I plan to build at Plymouth Rock.

Mexicans, including the Spanish, can have Mexico, Central America, and South America. Arabs can have the Middle East, Asians can have Asia (Russian Eastern-Europeans will be allowed to relocate to Eastern Europe), Indians, including Injuns, can have the subcontinent, and the Gypsies, Gays, and Miscellaneouses can have Australia. Western America will return to its original purpose as a vast resource of timber and hunting.

I contend that this reordering of the entire world will successfully eliminate all conflict. It’s really quite shocking that no one has thought of it sooner. If you watch as much HGTV as I do, you know that sometimes you just need to totally clear a room and redesign it from scratch to get the perfect arrangement. And sometimes knock out a wall or two.

Well, that’s all for this week. I expect to present my plan before the General Assembly as soon as I can arrange a speaking engagement there. I’ll let you know what they say!

Yours Professor C.H. Dalton

Hello, and welcome again. C.H. Dalton here, your tour guide through the magical world of race and racism.

With the College Football season reaching its apogee and the National Football League’s competition in full swing, it’s hard not to look ahead to the most exciting event of the athletic year: the NFL draft. The weeks leading up to the draft are a dizzying spectacle of camps and tryouts, as the elite players are tested to determine their speed, their strength, and their intelligence.

Their future owners stand on the sideline with stopwatches, carefully noting each display of strength, each physical weakness, and any measure of the athletes’ durability and endurance.

It’s not all hard science, though. The NFL draft is a guessing game, and the scouts have to do their best to see the future. Will the running back be injured in his first season? Will the wide receiver be able to memorize complicated routes and downfield blocking patterns? And, perhaps most importantly, do they have a good attitude?

It’s often difficult to tell which players will be "problem" cases. If there’s one thing that the owners and coaches can’t allow, it’s sass, backtalk, and poor team spirit. Being a good worker who won’t complain is every bit as important as being able to run fast, or lift lots of bundles of grain.

Then, on the day of the draft itself, the players stand on stage, stripped to their skin, glistening in the klieg lights of the live telecast. Each team takes its turn examining their teeth and gums, squeezing their muscles, checking for lice, and taking firm hold of their powerful genitals to determine their suitability as breeders. After all, the draft isn’t just about building this generation’s football team—it’s about building a football team for many generations to come.

When the teams have made their decisions, the bidding begins, with the strongest, most stoic players going early for top dollar, and the less wealthy clubs forced to look for bargains among the Tight Ends and return specialists.

Finally, at the end of the last round, the final player chosen is dubbed “Mister Irrelevant,” because it is unlikely he will ever play in the NFL, but the name is inappropriate. An NFL team still needs people to cook, clean, and be hunted for sport. These late-round scrubs are anything but irrelevant to a billionaire owner that knows how to use them.

After the draft, camps begin in earnest, to separate the wheat from the chaff and so that teams can evaluate their investments. At this stage, some teams may actually trade human beings back and forth in exchange for each other or, in some cases, for cold, hard cash. It’s a thrilling process, and it’s no wonder that the end result is the most popular sport in America.

Drafts have existed in this country for hundreds of years, ever since the first NFL players were brought to this country from Africa, but it’s still exciting every single time. When it comes around again, in April, I urge you to tune in and watch the history of America… today!

Come back next week, when I’ll describe the process by which the National Hockey League chooses its brides from Eastern Europe. Good day.

Hello, and welcome again to A Practical Guide to Racism dot Com. I hope my younger readers are all wearing your A Practical Guide to Racism ball caps and your A Practical Guide to Racism decoder rings, because this week’s session of the A Practical Guide to Racism “Rockin’ Racists Cub Club” is in order!

After the New Jersey State Department of Child Protective Services ruled that I can no longer host the Rockin’ Racists Cub Club Clubhouse in my studio apartment, I’ve decided to hold it here, on the Internet.

First order of business: has everyone read the book I assigned to you? Good! Because Lothrop Stoddard’s The Rising Tide of Color Against White World-Supremacy is an invaluable tool for understanding international politics. And it’s never too early to start learning about the way the world works.

For next week, your assignment is to read King Solomon’s Mines by H.R. Haggard and, more importantly, to watch the 1937 film adaptation. There’s much to be learned from the drooping, jiggling bosoms of thousands of savage tribeswomen. And what young man doesn’t aspire to the rugged handsomeness of the colonialist hero, Allan Quatermain, with his chiseled, leathery good looks, and his meaty, calloused-yet-tender hands?

You could all learn something from Allan Quatermain. He brought guns, Christianity, and beards to parts of the world that had never seen them before. And somehow, through all that, he also found time to be a sexy, Australian priest in The Thorn Birds.

Coded message of the week: aidem eht nur sweJ.

Christ, this is taxing. You know, I can’t say I’ve ever been a fan of children. In fact, I despise them. When I was a child I was a cutter—that’s how much I hate children. But they are two very important things: first, they are our future. Second, they are a large and increasingly relevant demographic with growing disposable incomes and undeniable purchasing power.

That’s why I founded the Cub Club, and that’s why I’m committed to growing my brand. And if I educate a few children along the way, all the better. After all, they are our future revenue sources.

That’s all for this week! Remember, Cub Clubbers who earn 50 Racist Points get a free copy of my new A Practical Guide to Racism Fun-tivity book. It’s got mazes, connect-the-dots, and even a few games of hangman.

Hello, and welcome back to the Internet website of A Practical Guide to Racism.

This week I’d like to talk to you, my faithful readers, about a very sensitive topic: homosexuality. Specifically, insidious homosexuals masquerading as normal, white politicians.

The only possible theory for why homosexuals like Larry Craig, Mark Foley, Ken Mehlman, and Bill Frist would infiltrate the world of politics is that they plan to use their positions in order to spread their sick queer agenda and recruit others to the cause. I shudder to think how many young men and women have been seduced to the gay lifestyle by these disgusting perverts pretending to be trustworthy public figures.

I remember when I was a boy and I joined the Dixiecrats. Now there was an unimpeachable political movement. Sure, there was a lot of experimentation going on back then, but in a wholesome, English boarding school way. Just imagine if Strom Thurmond’s party of hope had been a front for the homosexual recruitment drive, all the young lives it might have corrupted.

But the Dixiecrats weren’t gay. We were just fiercely anti-desegregation, pro-Jim Crow, and ambivalent on the question of illegitimate mixed-race daughters. Good, wholesome, American values—not sick, Greek ones. That’s why Trent Lott said, when he was Senate Majority Leader, that “when Strom Thurmond ran for president, we voted for him. We're proud of it. And if the rest of the country had followed our lead, we wouldn't have had all these problems over all these years either.”

And by “problems,” he meant, of course, “black people.”

These homosexual wolves in Republican sheep’s clothing are undermining the institution of public service in this country, and our very way of life. It’s the only explanation for why apparently virulently anti-gay crusaders would turn out to be gay themselves.

What other possibility could there be? That a white, Christian man could be so deeply ashamed of who he is that he would externalize that self-hatred into legislative punishment against all those who dare to mock him by freely practicing his own deepest desires? Absurd.

I can’t imagine a culture that would associate something like homosexuality with that much shame and anger and disgust. No, this is clearly a vast Homo-Zionist plan to topple our government from the inside, so that they can capitalize on the resulting chaos by converting the confused and leaderless survivors to their own sick, degenerate way of life.

At least, that’s what I’d do, if I were gay. Which I’m not.

Well, that’s all for this week. I hope that we, as a people, will be more vigilant from now on. Be mindful of politicians who protest against gay marriage too much. Good day.