So it’s come to this. The demands of the Internet and its constant, unquenchable thirst for “content” have brought us here. To discussing the weather.

My good friend James Inhofe has been telling me a lot about this whole “global warming” controversy, and I’ve looked into it. I know what you think I’m going to say: that Jews control the weather, and they’ve created global warming in order to sell us all sunscreen and hats, and to make the rest of the world as hot and dusty as their blighted Holy Land.

Well, yes. But that’s not all.

Unlike Senator Inhofe, I do believe that the earth is getting warmer, and that man is somehow responsible. And, unlike Senator Inhofe, I don’t believe that it’s a PR conspiracy by the Weather Channel to boost their ratings. Surprised? I was, too, but that was before I was able to go outside without a coat the other day. In the middle of Winter! It must have been upwards of 60 degrees out.

Clearly, the globe is warming. I don’t know if there are any other kinds of reasoning other than inductive, but it’s clearly the best kind, and in this case it has proven to me that the earth’s temperature is rising at an enormous rate.

I haven’t been this sure of anything since I got sick after eating an avocado, and became convinced that Mexican food was poison. Which it is.

Some people have said to me, “but Professor Dalton, I remember this one day back in July when I needed a jacket. Doesn’t that mean the earth is cooling?” Well, I don’t remember that day, so I remain steadfast. Of course, it could have been during that week that I spent locked in my building’s laundry room.

I had to eat six dryer sheets.

Others say, “Professor Dalton, I never would have thought you would have been suckered in by the San Francisco anti-business liberal conspiracy.” And to them I say, “Senator Inhofe, this isn’t about the Homo-Zionist World Agenda™, it’s about the environment. Also, I sweat uncontrollably in warm weather, and would rather not have to deal with it any more than I already have to.”

What’s most troubling to me about this whole debate, though, is the fact that I haven’t heard one single positive suggestion for what to do about the problem. Anyone can make a stink about “catastrophe” this and “apocalypse” that, but where are the solutions? Fortunately, I have an answer: coal.

Think about it. It grows in the earth, so it’s organic, and aren’t the lefties always going on and on about “organic”? Plus, the only people harmed by coal are the ones who have to dig it out of the ground. It’s just rocks, after all, not dirty, messy gook like oil. What could be cleaner than rocks?

Think about it, America.

This missive paid for by the National Mining Association.

Hello, and welcome to A Practical Guide to Racism dot com. Your one-stop shop for everything related to me, C.H. Dalton.

As a man of science, I am, of course, concerned with not just the behavioral and cultural differences between the races, but with the genetics of race as well. As everyone knows, the nine races are all essentially different at a base, genotypical level.

For example, white chromosomes are all like, “I’m going to provide you with pink skin and blonde hair, good sir,” while black chromosomes are all like, “Yo! I’ma give you some straight up sickle cell anemia, mofo!”

Genetics is the study of how traits are passed down from one generation to another. It is generally studied within a family, but what is race but one large, dysfunctional family unit? In fact, genetics proves that all members of a race are biologically related. That means that every Jew is descended from the same bearded moneylender.

It’s how the races developed their unique ethnic makeup. Just like you have some features from your mother and some from your father, all of your features are a result of your race. For example, I have HPV.

The genetic composition of the different races is fixed now, but it’s not unchangeable. In fact, back in Bible times, we were all one race. That was before people spread across the globe and developed into the nine races we know today. Benjamin Rush pointed modern science in this direction way back in 1797, with a paper to the American Philosophical Society called “Observations Intended to Favour a Supposition That the Black Color (As It Is Called) of the Negroes Is Derived From the Leprosy.”

He later determined that being black wasn’t the result of leprosy, but of a unique disease he called “negroidism.” He believed that this disease was hereditary, but could, potentially be cured. Unfortunately, Dr. Rush was wrong—there is no cure for “negroidism,” and in fact its sufferers have become a race unto themselves.

In this origin, the blacks are much like those other much-maligned races, the Diabetics and the Elephant Men.

This transition from hereditary disease to hereditary trait occurred through what is known as evolution, as explained in the writings of Jean-Baptiste Lamarck. Just as giraffes’ necks grew long because they stretched upwards to reach the highest leaves, and as missing limbs are passed down to amputees’ children, so was black skin passed down from generation to generation among what later developed into the black race.

And that, my young charges, is where babies come from.

That’s all for this week. I encourage you to look up the science behind these genetic abnormalities, and learn the truth about the different races. Good day.

Hello, and welcome back to A Practical Guide to Racism. This week I’d like to talk about an issue very close to my heart: robots.

I recently read about a theorist who believes that, one day soon, humans will engage in sexual intercourse with robots. Well, let me just say that I find that disgusting and abhorrent.

Robots were put on this earth to clean, make toast, and form lasting friendships with children. That’s all!

Not to mention the fact that sex with a robot is wrong in the eyes of God. It’s right there in Leviticus:

Thou shalt not lie with a robot as one lies with a woman; it is an abomination. —Leviticus 18:22

Not to mention the fact that it’s just not practical. Have you ever tried being physically intimate with a robot? It’s next to impossible, and extremely uncomfortable. Why, I’d sooner have sex with a Judd other than Ashley!

No, no, no – it’s simply unnatural. Man was put here on this earth to achieve sexual pleasure by natural means: through the touch of a woman, a boarding school classmate, or a Fleshlight. It’s God’s will.

And regarding some recent local statutes: you can pry my Fleshlight from my cold, dead hands, city council!

That’s all for this week. I hope that you’ll take this opportunity to buy a copy of my book. It’s for a good cause – $2 from every purchase goes directly to me, C.H. Dalton.

Hello, and welcome back to apracticalguidetoracism-dot-com. This week’s missive previously appeared on The Huffington Post, but please don’t hold that against it.

With Mitt Romney currently neck-and-wattle with Senator John McCain for the Republican presidential nomination and Super Tuesday voting going on around the country, a lot of people have asked me about my views on Mormonism and the Mormon race.

Romney is, of course, a member of the Church of Latter-Day Saints, and, as such, wears special, magic underpants.

I was skeptical at first, too. After all, a non-Protestant President? What is this, Italy? But that was before I learned more about this kooky, dead-eyed sect.

Despite what you might have heard, Mormons aren’t just incestuous, child-raping, Village of the Damned-esque, Homesteader-murdering, polygamous members of an entrenched, blood-tithing doomsday cult. They are also wholesome, fecund, and overwhelmingly Caucasian.

Of course, most Mormons no longer take multiple child brides in a culture of rape and forced marriage, but some still do. Like Utah Senator Orrin Hatch.

In fact, a lot of Mormonism is just like regular old Christianity. Mormons are just Christians who happen to believe that Jesus came back from the dead in order to hang out with the Native Americans… and that the true believers among us will be taken away in giant spaceships right before the Apocalypse… which, according to Joseph Smith, was supposed to happen in 1890. Or 1995. Maybe the year 3000. Somewhere around then.

So Mormons were wrong about the date of the coming Apocalypse. Which means that Mitt Romney and his faith have just as much predictive power as the current President, and that’s good enough for me. As Mormon leader Donald Rumsfeld said, “Jesus could return in six days, six weeks… I doubt six months.”

Personally, I’m satisfied that Mitt Romney has the faith, the foresight, and the pro-life values to lead this country. But for those still freaked out by Romney’s Mormonism, don’t worry—last year, when asked to list his favorite books, the former Massachusetts Governor confidently named Battlefield Earth by L. Ron Hubbard—LRH to his acolytes.

So you see, Romney doesn’t just think that aliens will take us away in spaceships at the end of the world. He also believes that we’re all inhabited by the confused, brainwashed souls of aliens who were thawed in the belly of a live volcano after being dumped there by the evil Lord Xenu. If those aren’t Christian values, I don’t know what are.

It’s not all strawberries and cream, though. I have to admit that I’m a little concerned about his church’s recent decision to no longer posthumously baptize Holocaust victims, but at least they never said anything about the casualties of Romney’s new, improved Double Guantanamo.