My deepest apologies for the lackadaisical manner in which these results have been tabulated, but our team of judges has been heretofore unable to reach a consensus.

My thanks to all of the entrants, but especially our winning ethnographer, Ben Oliver, who informed us that “Filipinos can steal your soul just by looking at you.” Congratulations to Mr. Oliver for an insightful and creative addition to the canon. The runners-up, after the jump.

Thanks also to our eminent team of guest judges:

Camille Paglia

and this enchanted Hindoo skull.

It was difficult reaching a consensus, but I cast the tie-breaking vote for Mr. Oliver, who narrowly beat out the eminent racial scholar Jasper Chen with

“Asians compulsively steal napkins from restaurants.”

Honorable mentions go to

”Greeks never cry in front of strangers.” — Maureen Miller

”Poles diaper their babies in butcher paper.” — Jen Dziura

and

”Black people can’t get enough poutine.” — Bradley MacDonald

Congratulations to all of you, but especially to Mr. Oliver, who will be receiving a signed copy of A Practical Guide to Racism, as well as Heretic Pride, the new CD from The Mountain Goats.