Hello again, Dalton-istas! This week I’d like to talk a little bit about politics.

You’ve probably read about “Amnesty International” and “Take Back the Night,” and the “Human Rights Commission,” and other left wing groups like that, but do you know what they’re really up to?

Here’s a hint: no good.

If it were up to them, they’d take us all back in time so we could surrender to the British in 1776. The true agenda of these bleeding heart liberals is to undo 230 years of truth, justice, and the American Way. How, you ask? They’re doing everything they can to prevent this country from defending itself against its true enemy: Arabs with similar names to known terrorists.

What’s next? Laws to protect the right of zombies to eat our brains, or Puerto Ricans to grope us? Laws to prevent us from fighting back if a Gypsy tries to steal our luggage?

If they’re trying to kill us (Zombies, the Nips), or convert us (Jews, Homosexuals), then I say they don’t deserve any protection under the law at all. That’s why I applaud this administration’s stance on Arabs. They, as a race, are a threat to our way of life, and that means that they, as a race, have forfeited their right to due process.

And before you accuse me of being racist, I’m no hypocrite. If a white person had ever committed a terrorist crime in this country, I would be the first rallying the troops to send all white people to foreign internment camps without access to lawyers. But that has never happened. Ever.

These outrages against our nation’s dignity have led me to form my own for-profit lobbying organization: “Hands Across America,” or HAA. The name wasn’t my first choice, but I got a great deal on three dozen boxes of unworn T-shirts with that logo, so I went with it.

HAA’s goal is to restore America’s status in the world as a melting pot and a beacon of hope by tagging every immigrant with an RFID card beneath the skin in their neck. That way, if anyone who isn’t a third-generation American or greater approaches any tall building, crowded space, airport, or national monument, the authorities will be notified. The threat can then be eliminated by arresting the suspicious individual immediately and imprisoning him without trial for an indeterminate period of time.

As our experience with African-Americans shows, nothing alleviates cultural and social disenfranchisement better than imprisoning 30% of the male population at some point in their lives. As the great American troubadour Meatloaf said: one out of three ain’t bad.

Well, that’s all for this week. Hope I didn’t get too heavy with the politics, but I do believe that it’s important to get involved. Especially if you agree with me. Good day.