Hello, and welcome back to apracticalguidetoracism-dot-com. This week’s missive previously appeared on The Huffington Post, but please don’t hold that against it.

With Mitt Romney currently neck-and-wattle with Senator John McCain for the Republican presidential nomination and Super Tuesday voting going on around the country, a lot of people have asked me about my views on Mormonism and the Mormon race.

Romney is, of course, a member of the Church of Latter-Day Saints, and, as such, wears special, magic underpants.

I was skeptical at first, too. After all, a non-Protestant President? What is this, Italy? But that was before I learned more about this kooky, dead-eyed sect.

Despite what you might have heard, Mormons aren’t just incestuous, child-raping, Village of the Damned-esque, Homesteader-murdering, polygamous members of an entrenched, blood-tithing doomsday cult. They are also wholesome, fecund, and overwhelmingly Caucasian.

Of course, most Mormons no longer take multiple child brides in a culture of rape and forced marriage, but some still do. Like Utah Senator Orrin Hatch.

In fact, a lot of Mormonism is just like regular old Christianity. Mormons are just Christians who happen to believe that Jesus came back from the dead in order to hang out with the Native Americans… and that the true believers among us will be taken away in giant spaceships right before the Apocalypse… which, according to Joseph Smith, was supposed to happen in 1890. Or 1995. Maybe the year 3000. Somewhere around then.

So Mormons were wrong about the date of the coming Apocalypse. Which means that Mitt Romney and his faith have just as much predictive power as the current President, and that’s good enough for me. As Mormon leader Donald Rumsfeld said, “Jesus could return in six days, six weeks… I doubt six months.”

Personally, I’m satisfied that Mitt Romney has the faith, the foresight, and the pro-life values to lead this country. But for those still freaked out by Romney’s Mormonism, don’t worry—last year, when asked to list his favorite books, the former Massachusetts Governor confidently named Battlefield Earth by L. Ron Hubbard—LRH to his acolytes.

So you see, Romney doesn’t just think that aliens will take us away in spaceships at the end of the world. He also believes that we’re all inhabited by the confused, brainwashed souls of aliens who were thawed in the belly of a live volcano after being dumped there by the evil Lord Xenu. If those aren’t Christian values, I don’t know what are.

It’s not all strawberries and cream, though. I have to admit that I’m a little concerned about his church’s recent decision to no longer posthumously baptize Holocaust victims, but at least they never said anything about the casualties of Romney’s new, improved Double Guantanamo.