Hello. This is C.H. Dalton, and I’m here with another one of my internationally beloved missives. Remember, reading these missives is good for course credit at both the Institute for Advanced Studies and The Medical College of the Republic of Spanish Honduras. (Every third year I teach a foreign study program there. I’m worshipped as a God in some villages in Central America for my unlicensed work repairing cleft palates.)

This week, I’d like to talk a little bit about geography.

Much of the recent strife in the Middle East can be traced back to the colonial period—when the British drew the borders in that region, they disregarded the racial and cultural makeup of the inhabitants, and as a result we have countries like Iraq, where Sunni Arabs and Shia Arabs and Kurdish Arabs must all coexist within a single country. This is a recipe for disaster, as has become all too clear over the past five years.

However, if each racial group had its own country, and were allowed to govern itself without disputes over culture or religion, we might not have all this violence and civil war. And it’s not just in the Middle East. It’s the Hindoos and Arabs in the Indian subcontinent, the Kurds and the Turks, the Serbs and the Croats, the whites and the Aborigines, the Jews and anyone… the list goes on. Even in this country we must deal with the constant commingling of blacks, whites, Hispanics, Asians, Jews, and Catholics.

And just look at Europe. (Click the map for a larger version.)

To find the answer to a peaceful future, we may need to look to the past; specifically, the presidency of James Monroe, the second-best President names James. (Some people might put Garfield here, but I feel that his legacy has been artificially inflated by his assassination—he is actually tied with Polk for third, with Carter and Buchanan bringing up the rear.) Monroe oversaw the 1821 founding of the nation of Liberia.

Liberia was founded as a colony by the The Society for the Colonization of Free People of Color of America, better known as the American Colonization Society. They saw the growing number of African-Americans in America and realized that something that needed to be done, so the group filled boat after boat full of them and sent them to Liberia, to live amongst their own kind.

But I think the American Colonization Society didn’t go far enough, and not just because they never finished the job. No, I think we need to redraw the world map to give each race its own homeland, the way we did for the Jews. And just look how well that’s worked out.

For starters, the American Northeast, Canada, and Western Europe should belong to the whites. Obviously. American African-Americans can have the South, while foreign African-Americans can have Africa. White South Africans can patriate in Caucasiastan at the new immigration facility I plan to build at Plymouth Rock.

Mexicans, including the Spanish, can have Mexico, Central America, and South America. Arabs can have the Middle East, Asians can have Asia (Russian Eastern-Europeans will be allowed to relocate to Eastern Europe), Indians, including Injuns, can have the subcontinent, and the Gypsies, Gays, and Miscellaneouses can have Australia. Western America will return to its original purpose as a vast resource of timber and hunting.

I contend that this reordering of the entire world will successfully eliminate all conflict. It’s really quite shocking that no one has thought of it sooner. If you watch as much HGTV as I do, you know that sometimes you just need to totally clear a room and redesign it from scratch to get the perfect arrangement. And sometimes knock out a wall or two.

Well, that’s all for this week. I expect to present my plan before the General Assembly as soon as I can arrange a speaking engagement there. I’ll let you know what they say!

Yours Professor C.H. Dalton