Hello again. Welcome back to my regular series of missives on the topics of race and racism. According to my editor at Gotham, the book-buying public is a greedy, cannibalistic horde of mindless cockroaches, with attention spans to match, and they demand fresh content at regular intervals. So, here! Here you go! Here is more fresh meat for your gnashing, insatiable maws, you vampires!

Ahem.

This week, I’d like to address the problem of private education.

In public schools, children are taught a time-tested, state-mandated curriculum of Greek, Latin, public speaking, and gymnastics. For centuries this coursework has improved the mind and body, and equipped our young people to succeed as academics, pugilists, and brewer-patriots.

But now every schoolmarm with a freshly cut switch and a few new ideas about molding young minds has got it in her head that she can start a school that ignores those basic, federally approved tenets. I am speaking, of course, about the scourge of Montessori and her devilish minions. These schools teach children that “free exercise” and “sass talk” are perfectly acceptable methods of learning.

Well let me address something to all these Wall-less Schools and Private Bordellos of Pedagogy: cut your hair, you damned, Godless hippies. How dare you let the next generation of Americans skip and prance about like chimp-pansies on blacktop “playgrounds,” when they could be drilling their conjugations while splayed atop a good, old-fashioned pommel horse?

“Whee!” is no substitute for “hic, haec, hoc,” you Charlatans.

Of course, public schools may soon be no better, if we elect another busing-happy Jewblood like Lyndon Johnson.

That’s all for this week. Come back next week for another one of these bloodless, mercenary epistles. Perhaps some good shall come of them, though, as I shall soon have enough for a proper chrestomathy. Good day.