Hello there, fellow Internet travelers! Welcome to another weekly missive from me, C.H. Dalton. I’ll be honest with you – up ’til now, I’ve been hand writing these epistles and having my research assistant, Francoise, type them onto the Internet for me.

But then, just last week, one of my colleagues suggested I visit a site that allows you to purchase other peoples’ trash from them in an auction format. I had Francoise log me on, and before I knew it I was hooked on “E Bay.”

After buying three cases of astronaut ice cream and a t-shirt from the 1984 Summer Olympic games, I decided to explore the rest of the W-W-W that everyone speaks so highly of. And let me tell you, I was impressed. Have you seen this “Bang Bus” site? It’s phenomenal; these young men lure attractive, naïve women into their bus, and then they have their way with them—sexually! And you get to watch the whole thing unfold! It’s just as good as it sounds.

I’m sure you know what I’m talking about when I tell you that it makes me feel like Saul Kripke in a dorm full of undergraduates.

On another site, you can look up phone numbers, just like in the phone book. Only you don’t need to open a book, or even to own one. To me, the possibilities for this new medium seem endless. In addition to lecturing my students online, I can also “chat” with them, and sell them pornography.

Just the other day I was telling my stepsister Johannah how much I enjoy the musical oeuvre of David Soul, and what a shame it is that I can’t find his music in stores anymore. On the Internet, you can order his albums right at your desk, and have them shipped to you via the postal service. I don’t need to tell you that after the mail came this morning, I was grooving out to “Don’t Give Up On Us” ten minutes later.

Of course, the Internet is also filled with temptation, and there is a danger of indulging oneself to excess. I probably didn’t need to get the complete Shaun Cassidy and Leif Garrett collections while I was at it. Luckily, I still had two and a half cases of dehydrated ice cream to drown my sorrows.

I hope all of you reading this will be my friend on “Facebook” and “Myspace.” The former is much easier to use, but I am inclined to prefer the latter, because of my personal and professional ties to News Corp.

That’s all for this week. Good luck out there surfing the Internet. I hope you catch a killer wave—of shopping and infotainment!