So it’s come to this. The demands of the Internet and its constant, unquenchable thirst for “content” have brought us here. To discussing the weather.
My good friend James Inhofe has been telling me a lot about this whole “global warming” controversy, and I’ve looked into it. I know what you think I’m going to say: that Jews control the weather, and they’ve created global warming in order to sell us all sunscreen and hats, and to make the rest of the world as hot and dusty as their blighted Holy Land.
Well, yes. But that’s not all.
Unlike Senator Inhofe, I do believe that the earth is getting warmer, and that man is somehow responsible. And, unlike Senator Inhofe, I don’t believe that it’s a PR conspiracy by the Weather Channel to boost their ratings. Surprised? I was, too, but that was before I was able to go outside without a coat the other day. In the middle of Winter! It must have been upwards of 60 degrees out.
Clearly, the globe is warming. I don’t know if there are any other kinds of reasoning other than inductive, but it’s clearly the best kind, and in this case it has proven to me that the earth’s temperature is rising at an enormous rate.
I haven’t been this sure of anything since I got sick after eating an avocado, and became convinced that Mexican food was poison. Which it is.
Some people have said to me, “but Professor Dalton, I remember this one day back in July when I needed a jacket. Doesn’t that mean the earth is cooling?” Well, I don’t remember that day, so I remain steadfast. Of course, it could have been during that week that I spent locked in my building’s laundry room.
I had to eat six dryer sheets.
Others say, “Professor Dalton, I never would have thought you would have been suckered in by the San Francisco anti-business liberal conspiracy.” And to them I say, “Senator Inhofe, this isn’t about the Homo-Zionist World Agenda™, it’s about the environment. Also, I sweat uncontrollably in warm weather, and would rather not have to deal with it any more than I already have to.”
What’s most troubling to me about this whole debate, though, is the fact that I haven’t heard one single positive suggestion for what to do about the problem. Anyone can make a stink about “catastrophe” this and “apocalypse” that, but where are the solutions? Fortunately, I have an answer: coal.
Think about it. It grows in the earth, so it’s organic, and aren’t the lefties always going on and on about “organic”? Plus, the only people harmed by coal are the ones who have to dig it out of the ground. It’s just rocks, after all, not dirty, messy gook like oil. What could be cleaner than rocks?
Think about it, America.
This missive paid for by the National Mining Association.
