Hello, and welcome again to A Practical Guide to Racism dot Com. I hope my younger readers are all wearing your A Practical Guide to Racism ball caps and your A Practical Guide to Racism decoder rings, because this week’s session of the A Practical Guide to Racism “Rockin’ Racists Cub Club” is in order!

After the New Jersey State Department of Child Protective Services ruled that I can no longer host the Rockin’ Racists Cub Club Clubhouse in my studio apartment, I’ve decided to hold it here, on the Internet.

First order of business: has everyone read the book I assigned to you? Good! Because Lothrop Stoddard’s The Rising Tide of Color Against White World-Supremacy is an invaluable tool for understanding international politics. And it’s never too early to start learning about the way the world works.

For next week, your assignment is to read King Solomon’s Mines by H.R. Haggard and, more importantly, to watch the 1937 film adaptation. There’s much to be learned from the drooping, jiggling bosoms of thousands of savage tribeswomen. And what young man doesn’t aspire to the rugged handsomeness of the colonialist hero, Allan Quatermain, with his chiseled, leathery good looks, and his meaty, calloused-yet-tender hands?

You could all learn something from Allan Quatermain. He brought guns, Christianity, and beards to parts of the world that had never seen them before. And somehow, through all that, he also found time to be a sexy, Australian priest in The Thorn Birds.

Coded message of the week: aidem eht nur sweJ.

Christ, this is taxing. You know, I can’t say I’ve ever been a fan of children. In fact, I despise them. When I was a child I was a cutter—that’s how much I hate children. But they are two very important things: first, they are our future. Second, they are a large and increasingly relevant demographic with growing disposable incomes and undeniable purchasing power.

That’s why I founded the Cub Club, and that’s why I’m committed to growing my brand. And if I educate a few children along the way, all the better. After all, they are our future revenue sources.

That’s all for this week! Remember, Cub Clubbers who earn 50 Racist Points get a free copy of my new A Practical Guide to Racism Fun-tivity book. It’s got mazes, connect-the-dots, and even a few games of hangman.